My day started with a less than convincing case from my 4yo as to why he should stay home from school today because he wasn’t feeling well.

The evidence was flimsy at best. He insisted his stomach was upset and he had a fever. Normally this would have been cause for concern, but a quick check of his temperature revealed he did not have a fever and the fact that he immediately asked when breakfast was, told me that his stomach was likely feeling fine.

He’s intuitive and could easily read the skepticism all over my face so he attempted to seal the sickness deal with this little gem of an excuse:

Him: I must be sick Mom because I really need to go potty!

Me: Like you have to go pee?

Him: Yes!

Me: I should think you have to go pee, everybody has to go pee first thing in the morning.

Him: But I have to go really bad! (grabs crotch to emphasis the point)

Me: Uh yeah, so do I when I sleep for 12 hours straight.

Him: Oh.

As he ran off to the bathroom for his “sickness pee” I rung up husband (he leaves for work at the crack of dawn and was already at the office working away) and we decided that his excuses were likely a 4yo’s best attempt at describing a general malady and not an attempt to play hooky.

As the day progressed I became less and less convinced of his “sickness” and started to wonder if my kid was actually playing hooky for the first time. But it’s hard to know with kids because their natural tenancy to play and have fun can over-ride an illness.

This is why little kids often play and run when they are sick and only come running to report they are not feeling well just in time to upchuck all over that lucky person’s shoes, pants and/or out stretched arms (yes I am speaking from personal experience).

So, not too far into the morning I was, once again, having my doubts regarding the legitimacy of his illness when 2yo waddled/limped into the family room while whining. I took a quick look over his physical condition and he seemed injury free and that’s when I spotted it, A large bulge at the bottom of his pajama pants.

A LARGE BULGE THAT WAS TURNING THE BOTTOM OF HIS PAJAMA PANTS BROWN.

OH SHIT… IT WAS SHIT!!

To understand why my 2yo would have a wad of crap in the leg of his pajama pants you must first know that we have been trying to potty train him over the last few months. The whole process has gone a little like this: progress, false sense of security, regression indicated by a terrible explosion of poop and/or pee in public place requiring a HAZMAT team, followed by admitted defeat then back to progress, then false sense of security, explosion, HAZMAT team, defeat, progress… ok you get the point right.

It hasn’t been going well! And this morning we were knee deep or rather ankle-down-to, in the explosion part of this cycle. Since the HAZMAT team wasn’t available for this specific clean up, that left me, moi and myself to take care of the crisis.

In the midst of crisis cleaning mode, something peculiar happened and if it had been the first time, I wouldn’t write about it but, this phenomena has happened more then once and I feel it warrants noting.

As I was elbow deep in – let’s just call it the mess – I began to get a waft of a familiar smell. I took one smell… two smells… three smells… and yes it was definitely… Chop Suey!!!

I kid you not, while I was cleaning the shit that had lumbered its way down 2yo’s leg and wedged itself into a ball at his ankle, I started to catch the aroma of freshly prepared Chicken Chop Suey.

And that’s when it all came rushing back to me. Last week while changing the baby’s nasty diaper I was also smelling Chop Suey. In fact I smelt it so vividly, I even mentioned it to my Husband.

I distinctly remember saying: Sometimes I swear her diaper smells like Chop Suey. To which he didn’t respond and afterward I realized it was probably one of those thoughts that was best left unspoken but… meh, what can I do right.

So now I am quite convinced that I am going a little loopy. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if my brain has gone a little haywire. I mean, lets face it, there is only so much stench that one person can endure before their mind steps in and tries to make them think they are smelling something delicious rather than something foul right!?!

This can only mean one thing… I am way… far… gone.

I can hear the Doctor’s talking now and it goes a bit like this:

Doctor #1: I fear this one is beyond help.

Doctor #2: Yes I think I may have to agree with you. Sadly the exposure was just too high, there isn’t anything we can do.

Doctor #1: Indeed, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe if she had come to us earlier.

Doctor #2: If it had been Chow Mein or Low Mein but when it gets to Chicken Chop Suey, you know you’ve lost them.

Doctor #1: Yes, when they are that deluded, that smushed excrement smells like a delicious Chinese take out dish, then there is no turning back. There is nothing we can do for this woman.

I know what you are thinking, smushed isn’t a doctor-y term but hey, this is my daydream alright.

You’ll be happy to know the mess is all cleaned. I guess we are back to the regression/admitted defeat part of potty training again. Now I just have to figure out what to make for dinner.

Chinese Take-out anyone?

So am I crazy or what? Lay it on me, I can take it… I think.

---