October is often a hard month for me. October 16th marks the 8 year anniversary of my Mother’s death. She passed away in 2001 after fighting an 18 month battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

I was only 19 when my Mother was diagnosed. Old enough that people thought of me as an adult but, young enough that I was still in need of a mother. It was a time when I was straddling two worlds at once; I was trying so hard to be strong for my mom and yet I still needed to be her little girl. Looking back, I am amazed that I kept it together.

Today, I participated in the Run For the Cure for the eighth year in a row. I remember the first year I participated, it was in 2002, one year after my mother’s death. It was a very emotional experience for me. I remember it being damp and foggy and quiet, very somber. I remember crying silently as I walked. I remember feeling so much emotion in the air, so much loss and sorrow.

Thinking back, I now wonder if that really was the mood of the walk that year or, if that is just how I perceived it. At the time, my mother’s loss was still very fresh. It felt like nothing would ever be right again. It felt like the pain I felt would never go away.

Here we are eight years later, so much has changed. The run does not make me feel sad anymore, the atmosphere is jubilant and hopeful. Today, I gripped the hot, little hand of my almost three year old and we laughed as we ran and stopped then ran and stopped again.

I haven’t shed a tear all day until right at this moment. It has been so long since I saw my mom, spoke to her, laughed with her, confided in her. Sometimes, she just seems like a distant memory. It makes me sad that I have now lived 1/3 of my life without her and that one day, I will have lived more life without her than I did with her.

Even though I am still sad, I still miss her, I am OK. Life goes on, time heals the pain of loss, grief subsides and is replaced by happiness. We had a great day celebrating and honouring my mom’s memory. I am so thankful for that.

I dedicate this post to my Mother. She was crazy, creative, loving, nurturing, strong and most of all she was my mom. Love you always. Thank you for everything you taught me.