Grateful for Him.

To say it has been an overwhelming week would be an understatement. We are in the process of buying a new home. It is crazy but I won’t complain beyond that because I know I am lucky to be capable of buying a beautiful new (new to me at least) home. In fact, I am lucky to own the small, but well appointed home I already own. So, there will be no complaining about home buying here.

If you read my blog you know I try not to get too serious; my blog is a lifeline to a fun adult word where I can drop the f-bomb and rant without fearing that I am corrupting my small children. However, today I am going to get a bit serious and emotional and for that I apologize in advance.

Yesterday I had a midwife appointment and I was excited because I am 11 weeks along in my third pregnancy and I was looking forward to hearing the baby’s heartbeat. I laid on the lounger and happily yanked up my shirt and the Midwife began searching for the heartbeat. I waited patiently as she was searching and searching and searching and searching and there was nothing… nada… zippo. No heartbeat.

She was calm and reminded me that it was early days. She said it is not unusual to not hear the heartbeat at this point but that she would order an Ultra-sound just in case. I left the office subdued and perhaps a little in shock. I will admit I barely slept at all last night as my mind was whirling with worst case scenarios.

Grateful for him too.

I have never had a miscarriage. I have been pregnant twice and from those two pregnancies I have given birth to two healthy baby boys. I know I have been lucky… I hope I continue being lucky. I am not going to talk about the what ifs because I really do not want to go there.

What I do want to do is acknowledge every woman who has ever lost a baby. Though I am sure each of you received support, I know many of you suffered in silence at some point. I am sure that long after everyone else forgot your pain, you sat and thought of the baby that was never to be. I am sure you wondered what he/she would have looked like and how they would have changed your life.

I just want to say you all have amazing strength and I respect and honour what you went through.

Last night when I went to bed there was a small purple flower on my beside table. My 3-year-old had picked it earlier and placed it there for me to find. After all the stress of the day I looked at that flower and I cried because it reminded me of all the gifts I have that I too often forget. It is so easy to get wrapped up in everything and forget to acknowledge the important things. I have to get better at that… and thinking positively… I could be better at that too.