Jun 2011
20
A Letter to a Stranger: Nathan Kotylak
To Nathan Kotylak,
You don’t know me Nathan. We have never met and likely will never meet, but due to recent events, I know a good deal about you. I know that you come from what would be considered a good family; you attend a prestigious school, your father is a doctor and you live in a nice home. You are an athlete with future Olympic goals and unfortunately, after last Wednesday night, you are also a rioter.
I saw the picture of you trying to set fire to a police car on a blog dedicated to Public Shaming and your story made me more than angry, it made me afraid.
You see, I am a mother of three beautiful children. I dedicate my lives to them. I give them everything I possibly can in the hopes that they will one day grow up to be good people. Seeing your story made me afraid because I see that you have been given so much and yet, you still did something so… very… evil.
I want you to know that you took away some of my hope as a parent.
That is why I am glad that I saw this video of you making a public apology. I want to thank you for being courageous enough to come forward and admit that what you did was wrong. As a mother, I can see how scared you are feeling right now; you are worried about your future and your reputation and that is why I wanted you to know that people are capable of forgiveness for those that are deserving.
Thank you for coming forward and helping to rekindle my hope that kids who are raised with love can and will do the right thing. It doesn’t seem like it right now, but you will be able to be the person your parents raised you to be; your potential is still limitless, you will just have to work a little harder at it.
If you were my son I would be ashamed of what you have done but, I would be proud that you came forward to accept responsibility.
I forgive you and I wrote you this letter because I feel that you are worthy of that forgiveness. Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kimberley
Hi Kimberly, from your writing it seems that you are a very forgiving person, and I believe you should be commended for that.
I’ve been following this story closely as well, and I believe a couple of things should be noted for accuracies sake. He turned himself in after he had already been outed, so it was not of his own volition. The turning in, and subsequent televised apology was the strategy of a legal team that is representing him.
I hope you don’t believe that he wrote that apology himself. It was the work of the legal team that his father hired for him.
Be that as it may, I sincerely doubt that he will suffer any major criminal consequences to his action, so you have no need to worry.
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modishmama Reply:
June 20th, 2011 at 11:32 pm
Here is the thing about young people, and they probably hate to hear it but, their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought, is not fully developed. That is why teenagers make bad decisions and do stupid things. It isn’t just because they are stupid or reckless. They are actually working with less ability to think things through than adults are. That is why we try to be the voice of reason for our kids. That is why good parents try to beat it into their children to do the right things so they will hear that voice in their heads so it helps them make the right choice when they may not have done so.
I’m not saying kids get a free pass based on brain chemistry. Kids sometimes make bad choices and they should be scared of more than just the legal consequences as the public shaming site demonstrates. Nathan should and will be dealing with worse punishment than the courts will ever be able to give him and he deserves it but he also deserves forgiveness. That doesn’t mean he should not be punished though.
I know he didn’t turn himself in. I doubt he would have if he had not been publicly shamed. In fact if he had not been publicly shamed he might have gone on and lived his life and had some guilt about it but he would have forgotten about it because that is what people do. But his apology is no less meaningless just because a lawyer helped him with it.
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modishmama Reply:
June 20th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
I also wanted to ad that just because I forgive doesn’t mean other people should. That is also an important lesson for those that do wrong to learn, they have to work hard to earn forgiveness and from some people, they may never earn it. I feel for Nathan because I am a mother but, others may never be able to forget what he has done… I am betting he will run into many of those people in the future and the best response I have for that is: Well then you shouldn’t have done it. Lets face it, no amount of apologizing or good lawyers can wipe that slate entirely clean.
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I like it. Your blog/letter I mean.
Sometimes in a split second people do things they will regret for the rest of their life. I hope that this is one of those things for Nathan.
I hope that like me he beats himself up enough for his own mistakes without other people doing it for him.
I hope Nathan has learned a valuable lesson.
I hope, as a parent, I can teach my child the difference between right and wrong and that he can admit when he makes a mistake and can come back from all of the mistakes he makes since he will make mistakes.
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modishmama Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 3:05 am
In a split second he made a choice that wiped out every other thing he has done in his life… he realizes what a dumb thing that was for sure.
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Everyone is sooo full of hate! so many other rioters and everyone going after the brave young guy that turned himself in and apologized!! I say we forgive him and move on! NO MORE HATE!
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modishmama Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 3:03 am
There are many of them who really aren’t apologetic. I think his apology is very sincere and I choose to accept it.
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I could see the remorse in his face when he read the letter, whether written with help or not, gripped his heart and he couldn’t help but choke up. Apologizing is something many people have forgotten the importance of. It’s part of the restoration process and, though we reap what we sow, it’s part of that process people don’t often use. Unforgiveness leaves us in a prison cell. It’s lonely and bitter in there. Sometimes forgiveness can take time and effort but we are all made of the same stuff and capable of the same things so let’s remember that when we deal hard with someone with remorse.
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Strategic and Insincere
That is what I would title the video. The fact that his father made is possible for him to apologize solidifies my belief. Because he comes from a privileged background he is able to be publicly absolved for his behavior. So we forgive him, but not the others that are feeling guilty that have no public venue to apologize.
While the prefrontal cortex argument may have something to do with it and yes teenagers make poor decisions, but I am pretty sure that the distinction between right and wrong should be pretty clear. Even if he didn’t consider his safety, or the safety of those around him, his future, his career he should have known what he was doing right now.
“They are actually working with less ability to think things through than adults are.”
Here is the hole in the “prefrontal” argument: Go ask a child if they think it is wrong to light a police car on fire. They are working with even less abilty to think things through.
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modishmama Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:51 am
Everyone has access to Youtube. They are all able to broadcast apologies and many of them already have.
Regarding the prefrontal argument, it doesn’t mean youth don’t know the difference between right or wrong it means that they aren’t as able to think of the consequences their actions may have when they are swept up in the moment.
I’m not saying Nathan should be absolved, I am just saying he has been shamed and he still has to face criminal charges so I think that he is going to be sufficiently punished.
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Chris Whiteley Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 2:13 am
Agreed. Everyone does have access to Youtube, but the odds of getting a solid viewer ship is slim compared to having your Father get you access to a news crew.
Any ways, we could go back and forth for days about the development/consequences argument. The main point I was trying to get across was that he wasn’t apologizing for what he did to Vancouver, or anyone’s safety, he was technically apologizing for what he did to his future. The last minute and a half are what did it for me.
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modishmama Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 3:48 am
I agree that he is likely most sorry about the future he will not have rather than the fear and damage he caused. As he grows up I am sure he will become ashamed of what he did for different reasons… let’s face it, he won’t be living this one down any time soon. In fact, he likely will need to consider moving to another city in his adult life.
Nathan was not involved in just one act. He started earlier in the day. There is proof of more fires, possible assault, and looting. At the time of the apology he was coming forward with the one bit of evidence against him. He did not walk away from the game when it was done and get caught up in the act. His acts had been going on already. I do not believe in “my child would never do that mentality” I have a child the same age as Nathan that is also heading off to university that was there that day to experience another olympic atmoshere like event. In the first period the violent acts started. My child decided to get out of there and came home before the game was even over. I believe Nathan finally got caught at something. It is so much bigger than just the police car.
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modishmama Reply:
July 18th, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Sounds like your kid did the right thing. Nathan didn’t and it looks like he will be paying for it for years to come.
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